I Was Asking For It

Tildy gave me a virus, er, meme to answer - five interview questions. It's sort of a voluntary pyramid scheme/chain letter, so if you would like to be interviewed by Bugwit, leave me a comment and I will write five questions just for you. You will feel special. I guarantee it.

Here's Tildy's queries:

1. Where do you spend most of your money?

I spend an awful lot of money at Wisemagic Tattoo Parlor in Scottsdale. Few people know this about me, but I am completely tattooed under my clothes. My schwanz is done up like a barber pole. The effect can be mesmerizing.

In addition, I keep buying all this genital jewelry, but it seems to break down under duress so that I find fragments all over the bedroom. Frequent replacements are needed.
2. What is the silliest prank you ever played on someone?

Hmmm...so many to choose from. I think I'll give you several stupid pranks. When I was living in the dorms at Southeast Missouri State (the K-mart of colleges), there was this big dumb jock (who had been cut from the football team) that lived down the hall from my best friend. The jock didn't like that we got stoned on 'his' floor. As I returned from the bathroom one night, I saw him throw a firecracker under my friend's door. I hid so that he would not know that I knew it was him.

My stoner friends and I had already perfected a system for locking someone in their own room by taping three pennies together and inserting them into the gap between the door and frame, making the deadbolt impossible to turn.

So, at various times, we pennied him into his room and:

a. threw in a smoke bomb;
b. emptied a container of talcum powder in front of his door and blew it under with a blow dryer; and
c. filled a manila envelope with shaving cream, inserted it halfway under his door and stomped on the other half, spraying the foam all over his room.

Lastly, we waited months to catch him taking a crap and three of us burst into the bathroom with black garbage bags over our heads so that the corners stuck up like Klan hoods. We chanted "Bagism! Bagism! Bagism!" as we entered. Then we grew silent as we entered the adjacent stalls, stood on the toilets and peered over the walls and down at him. He looked at us with terror, wondering what we might do to him.

We pulled out cans of cheeze whiz and squirted them on him, once again chanting "Bagism! Bagism! Bagism!" 3. What is the weirdest thing you will ever admit to having done in the past?

Apart from that last thing? When I was 16, I asked a girl that I barely knew to go with me to a Heart concert. To my surprise, she accepted. I was with two other guy friends and we got very stoned on the way there. I became paranoid and insecure and could not speak to her the whole night.
4. Who would you want to play you in the movie about your life (pick for various stages if you like)?

Let's see...up to 12 years old - Lance Kerwin.

Thirteen to 18, Lief Garrett:

Thereafter, Harry Connick, Jr.

Hey, I'm flattering myself, but we're talking about a movie, right?

5. If you could live anywhere in the world for a year, where would it be?

With a woman that I adored and who adored me. Somewhere in Europe. Lots of wine would be involved. A fair amount of travel, too. Wouldn't it be nice? Ahhh.



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